Completely and Utterly Exhausted

    

     I'm sitting here having absolutely no idea what to write about. It's nearing the end of the semester where I think everyone is absolutely drained. I'm definitely thinking about skipping any morning classes that I have. I used to love staying late at school and just doing my homework there but now I'm racing to get home. I have been homeschooled my whole life, so I think this semester of college was a huge culture shock for me. My mom taught me a lot of the stuff I know today and I did online school for about two years. It still was hard work and with me doing gymnastics full time I definitely was extremely busy. However I have come to realize that there is nothing more exhausting than going to school for five hours and then going to work for four and doing that all over again. Every single day. I absolutely love school and I love learning and after this first semester I still do. But wow, I need a break. 

    I'm the kind of person to plan things to look forward to every week. Whether that be stay at home to read on a Saturday or hang out with friends on a Sunday afternoon. So for the end of my first semester at college I knew I needed to plan something to motivate me to finish off strong. I booked a plane ticket to Texas for the first week of January to go visit my cousins. I absolutely love going to the airport and just having little getaways by myself. I needed something more than just a few weeks off of school. I needed to get away from Indiana, somewhere where it's in the 50's instead of -10 in winter time. So even though I'm starting to end this semester extremely exhausted I know I just have to keep pushing through. 

Texas comes to Chicago

 

                Last Saturday my family went to go see my cousin play hockey. Some of my Dad's side lives in Texas and those are the ones I have always connected to the most. We grew up with them, went to our cabins with them almost every year. So you can imagine my excitement when I found out that Ian was playing in Chicago. He is extremely good at hockey and has won many games around the United States. So for our Saturday plans our whole family drove down there and enjoyed a great game of hockey. They did end up winning and Ian scored an extremely impressive goal. 

                As a tradition in our family, whenever we all get together in Chicago we always go to Portillo's. So after the game we went to Portillo's and talked about everything with each other. Whenever we get together it's like no time has passed between us. They have always moved from state to state their whole lives so we never saw them as much as I wanted to. But when we get together it never takes us time to warm up, we immediately start talking and never shut up. Sadly most of my family had to head home after lunch because my siblings had to go to work. However, my dad and I were able to stay for the next game that Ian had that night. 

                I needed that full day with them so badly. I have been going through so much lately in my personal life and I haven't been able to just fully laugh. I haven't laughed as hard as I did on Saturday in a very long time. Before the game we all just gathered together in the hotel and made the stupidest jokes and talked about our favorite memories together. I physically felt my heart become lighter. After hanging out for a little while we headed to the game and oh man. I could write about that game for forever. Long story short the referees completely cheated and the other team had about six power plays all together because they kept getting favored. But no body could mess with us, and after a horrible first period we destroyed them. 5-2, them only scoring on their power plays that they did not deserve. That's why I added that picture of my uncle taking a selfie. We were so excited. That day has been added to the list as one of my favorite days this year. 

Our Dog Business

        My family has had a dog business for eight years. People take their dog to our house when they are out of town or on vacation instead of taking them to a kennel. At first my mom started the business to pay for me to be able to do competitive gymnastics for four years. Competitive gymnastics gets extremely expensive once you have to pay for it every month. We needed the extra money and thought why not? We love dogs and all of us kids committed to helping mom out with all of the dogs. Eight years later and we have about 350 amazing reviews from clients and this has become our full time job. Sense my dad hasn't had a job for a few years and my mom only works part time, we have had to fully commit to this job and the income it provides. There are eight of us to provide for and we are so thankful that God has taken us so far with this job that we are able to depend on it. 

        We never thought that this small side job would turn into our family's full time job. My dad now helps my mom fully manage the business anytime my mom may be at work. The holiday's are our busiest times and sometimes we have ten dogs in our house at a time. After eight years we have found a really good rhythm and even though it can get really chaotic we always make it work and try to remain grateful. There would be absolutely no way we would be able to pay our bills if it wasn't for this job. Currently we are looking for a bigger house to invest in this business even more and have plenty of room for all of our family members and dogs. If you would have told us eight years ago that taking care of dogs in our home would become our full time job we never would have believed it. But it has become the biggest blessing in our lives and we are so grateful. 

 

Long nights

 

    Here's a picture from one of my favorite days. My family and I went canoeing in Ely Minnesota, the most beautiful place I have ever seen. I needed to be reminded of those good days because lately the nights have been long. So much is going on in my personal life, so much is happening all at once. It's hard to learn how to take care of yourself and take care of personal things while also dealing with school and work. Some weeks you truly are just surviving, and I'm learning to let myself be okay with that. I really wanted to just post highlight pictures from this week and be able to write about how great life is going. But it's truly not great right now, there are definitely great moments, however overall I am just tired. Tired of all the responsibility places on my shoulders for the past couple of weeks. Tired of schoolwork expecting so much from me. Tired of myself expecting so much from me. I hate that that's even a reality of my life right now. But it is and there's nothing I can do about it.

    However throughout this week I have chose to focus on the blessings from this week. There have been so many people that have had my back this week. So many encouraging messages, so much love. I've chosen to focus on the relationships that I have right now. I watched Twilight with my sister and our old foster kid and we laughed and made fun of it the entire time. Usually I would choose to stay home and read but tonight I'm actually going to the midnight madness at Purdue. I'm realizing how many times I would just choose to stay home, I'm a huge homebody. But I'm trying to branch out and do the things I love to do but I'm usually too scared to do. So here's to trying new things and just surviving. It's truly not so bad. 

Away from the stress of life

                                                                            
 I am a little late in writing my blog this week but I think it worked out in the end because now I actually have something to write about. Yesterday my boyfriend and I decided to take a day trip to Turkey Run. With the stress of school and life always looming over me we both thought it was a good idea to just go out for a while and do the things we both love. I used yesterday to photograph, climb, and just breathe. 

    A lot of people have ventured to starved rock, which I definitely enjoy just as much. However with all the rain that has happened lately there were a lot of beautiful waterfalls in Turkey Run. Brian (my boyfriend) and I found ourselves not just walking through nature but truly hiking. We had to cross over many waterfalls while trying not to get our feet wet while also working around the traffic of other people trying to get through. I was exhausted by hour one to say the least. I swear though there has always been something so therapeutic for me when I explore God's beautiful creation. Many of the trees hadn't fully changed colors however it was still so beautiful. I loved being able to sit down and munch on my Cheezits and just breathe. I have come to realize how special and important taking a step back from everything truly is. 

    Even though the main event was going to Turkey Run I think my favorite part from the whole day was going to this restaurant called "Triple XXX" which is right beside Purdue Lafayette. It was extremely unique in the way that everyone sat on bar like tables and if you didn't find a seat you just sat outside. Thankfully we had found a seat inside and were able to order a delicious meal. I of course made a mess out of my barbecue sandwich and demolished all of my fries. Brian had asked me if I would even have room for dessert but of course that was a silly question. Their strawberry milkshake tasted homemade and I could have eaten the super size all by myself. I think my favorite part of it all though was the restaurant having a ton of windows and just being able to watch all of the students go around the town. I absolutely love the city and that campus life and being able to just look outside and watch everything is so fun to me. Oh, and some dad asking me how I like the Purdue campus and me totally pretending that I actually went to the Purdue there. That was fun. All in all it was one of my favorite dates and I am so beyond thankful for days just away from life. 

"Born into brothels"

 

    I picked the documentary "Born into brothels" to watch for this Documentary Project. A specific scene that got to me was where they were on a bus heading for the beach. They don't get to get out of the 'Red Light District" so this was something new for them. During the whole scene while they are in the bus they are singing, dancing, laughing, and even sleeping. Their lives are horrible, something we can't even comprehend, and yet on a trip to the beach they look so carefree. I have a special place in my heart for every single kid on this earth, and just seeing them so happy for even just a short amount of time, warmed my heart. It also hurt my heart though, knowing that happiness comes very rarely in their life. 

 

    One thing that really surprised me was how graphic the documentary was. I had no idea their life might be that horrible. I've seen the movie "Priceless" before, which is about sex trafficking, and thought it would be something like that. However it was completely different and took me by surprise. The sleeping conditions, the way they had to wash their dishes, all the illegal drugs and alcohol that were being sold. I think I was just so surprised because we get so wrapped up in the world that we live in that we forget other people live so horribly. Not everyone can receive an education or have a proper home. It definitely was shocking and eye opening. 

    I still had some questions after viewing the documentary. After the documentary was over it had brief descriptions of where the kids are today but I still am wondering where they are. What are they doing? Some of the girls were able to go school but ended up leaving the school in the end. I just wonder what might have happened to them. I've felt upset over the last few days after watching the documentary. But I've also felt gratitude that my life doesn't look like theirs and never has. 

    I think we should avoid research when we are summarizing the documentary. Because I think we need to summarize the documentary not the history about what the documentary is talking about. The documentary can already be hard to summarize but researching it could make it even harder to summarize. Researching the documentary could switch our focus to things that don't necessarily need to be focused on. 

Life is crazy...and that's okay

     My life is crazy, as I would assume many other people's life is crazy as well. However whenever I would talk to my friends how crazy my life is, I always found myself smiling as I said it. Yeah, my life is crazy, but in my opinion that just means there's never a dull moment in my family's household. We have eight people living in our three bedroom house right now. I was the oldest of two siblings before my family adopted my sixteen year old sister and now I am the oldest of three. Before my family adopted my sister we fostered for eight years. We have now stopped fostering however we currently have two kids living with us who we are very close with from previously fostering. I have to say I absolutely love having so many people in our house. It is always loud, in a good way, and something is always going on.

    My mom and dad not only decided to take in two extra kids but we also have about eight dogs at our house every week. We babysit dogs as a job and we have been doing so for almost nine years now. So, along with eight people constantly going in and out of our house we have about eight to ten dogs going in and out of our house. Chaos. But a beautiful chaos. I have grown to greatly appreciate a family that works so well together. A family that isn't all blood but has each other's backs. A mom that homeschools my younger siblings while working part time. My dad who helps my mom run the dog business while also taking each kid from place to place. To be honest, my dad hasn't had a job for two and a half years now. But God has always provided and my mom and dad have learned to balance their roles. 

    Our life isn't perfect. As the older sister I find myself driving around the siblings a lot. I find myself cleaning up our house as much as I can because my mom doesn't have the chance to get to it most of the time. We all fight and sometimes there's not a lot of food in the fridge due to the fact that there are five teenagers living in the house. However I choose to look on it with such a smile on my face. Because it is the biggest blessings to have a big family. Especially a big family that loves one another. So I will keep enjoying the craziness of my house every time I go back home. Because it is so beautiful. 

Personal Essay

    This personal essay has been harder to write than I thought it would be. It's not hard for me to come up with the right stories or even to just write it correctly but just hard to write mentally. In this essay I have to talk about the anxiety gymnastics gave me. I can talk about the good things but mostly have to focus on the negative affects gymnastics had on me. I forgot how young I was, I forgot how my life literally revolved around this sport. I forgot how hard gymnastics was on me not only physically but mentally. 

    I was homeschooled my whole life, up until sixteen, when I went to Ivy tech to take a few college classes. Homeschool truly gave me the option to fully devote my life to this sport. And if you are competing competitively you honestly have to have your life revolve around this sport. In the essay I talk about how I was never naturally good at gymnastics, I had to work my butt off. As I worked harder than everyone else and still never was "good enough" my spirit disintegrated. Gymnastics taught me so much but I swear the minute I went through those Ivy Tech doors I had no confidence. I had no confidence in the way I presented myself, in the way I talked or acted. I didn't even know who I was. Once I quit gymnastics I didn't really have a job or go to school so it didn't matter that I could barely speak up for myself. But after a while I realized I had found my identity in gymnastics. And when I realized that, my spirit was crushed because I didn't know how to rebuild it. 

     I have always been a very happy girl and made many friends very easy. However when I grew up and those friends faded away and I started a completely new journey, I knew nothing. Gymnastics took all my confidence away from me, and caused me so much anxiety. Some of my greatest memories are from that sport but also some of the worst. I always felt left out, like I couldn't do what needed to be done, and when I could I did it alone. I didn't know how to talk to people, how to truly make friends, how to not change my personality with each human being I came into contact with. I didn't know how to just not overthink every little thing. And I find myself going through that again as I am a freshman at a new college.

        Starting a new job was definitely my first challenge when it came to gaining my confidence. I had to keep reminding myself who I was in Christ and that was the only thing that mattered. And after a year of working at my job I feel like I've gotten the whole confidence thing down. I felt like I finally figured out how to just live my life and not be afraid. Then college came, and I feel like I know nothing. Overthinking about what everyone thinks of me. Stressing out over my grades and becoming an adult. But that's okay, because this is just new. My job was new, and I had no idea how to make friends or how to just even do my part. Now I absolutely love my job and feel like my co workers are my best friends. So, I think I'll be just fine with this college thing. It'll take a while, but I'll get my confidence back like I always do. I'll be just fine. 

 

 

Photographs

              

     I am that girl that's known for having 14,752 photos and videos on my phone. I'm not exaggerating, I literally just looked at my photos to see how many I have. I try not to be on my phone too much while I'm making memories but I always do have my camera out. Whether that be my more professional camera, my polaroid, or just my phone. I find myself spending many nights just scrolling through memories. Sometimes it can be saddening but most of the time I find myself very grateful for the life I have been able to capture in photographs. As homework keeps piling up and life gets extremely hectic I remember to try to capture the simple and beautiful moments of life even if it looks a little different now. 

    These are just a few of my favorite photos I have ever taken. Attaching them to this blog definitely takes some of the quality out of them but you get the idea. I find myself mostly outside whenever I'm taking my favorite photos. That's when I'm most inspired, there's so much depth everywhere you look when you go in the outside world. The smallest things become extraordinary with the right angle. As I've mentioned before my family has cabins in MN that we go up to every summer. I add at least 300 more photos every time we visit there. I've been blessed with an incredibly close family and find myself capturing every moment I can because I know these moments don't last forever. I'm trying to not sound too cheesy but hey what can I say, I'm a sentimental nostalgic cheesy girl. 

    I hope to never lose my love for photography even when I don't see many pretty things to capture in my life right now. Life is full of school, homework, and work. The same thing over and over again. But I'm determined to still capture the small things. To look at everything around me and still see it as a memory I won't want to forget one day. And as I sit at my desk at 8pm, having been doing school sense 8am, I'm exhausted. This might be one of those moments I definitely won't worry about capturing, but I'm not going to worry. There will be plenty more to come. 

English class

        

     English is by far my favorite subject and the class I look forward to every year. I love classes where you can interact with your classmates and just work on a project together. As long as that project is not related to math or chemistry of course. I have loved writing sense I was little and started reading fantasy books when I was 10. I still read to this day and love anything that has to do with literature. The last English class I took was at Ivy Tech for dual credit. And let's just say I learned a lot of lessons from that class. She had class about 20% of the time and I left class at least once because she just didn't even bother to show up. I got a good grade in the class thankfully, however I really did not enjoy that English class. That is why I am actually retaking English 104 because of how little experience I got with the last class. I love the current class I am in now so much. 

    This microtheme that we have had to tackle these past few weeks has not been easy. I absolutely love writing and busting out papers, but I'm used to papers much longer and definitely different. I had to really think about what I needed to say and how to write it. I didn't even have any research to think about, it was just really difficult trying to narrow all my thoughts. Which is why I genuinely enjoy this class. Being able to learn something new and figure it out with other classmates is what I look forward to every week. You definitely have those classes that you dread, but there are also those classes that you look forward to every week as well. English class has always, and will always be a class I look forward to. 

It all works out in the end.

     

     I found out yesterday that I've been going to the wrong English class for a week. Yes, this English class. I figured that out in class yesterday and just started crying. Anxiety washed over me and embarrassment completely settled in. I went into full panic mode until after class where I just had to talk to myself to calm down. I realized that the mix up wasn't entirely my fault and it just didn't work out how I thought it would. Long story short I am going to keep being in this class for the semester and I am very thankful it worked out. Trying to figure out college is no easy task, and I've definitely felt the stress of it this whole week and weekend. Nonetheless it just goes to show that things just don't always go how you expect them to, but it does all work out in the end.

    I definitely can get caught up in my head and get anxious about many things, but I have to remind myself it does work out in the end. School can get very stressful, life can get very stressful. And I realize how much I let that stress get to me and run my whole day. I can't do that though, because with stress comes more anxiety, and anxiety does not make anything any easier. So I am going to take this week as a learning lesson. That these things happen and I can't be too hard on myself. I have to remind myself it will all fall into place and I can only do my best. I am reminding myself to enjoy this season of my life no matter how crazy it may get. I wanted to write about this subject in my blog today because I think it's a good reminder for everyone. Because we all have crazy lives and we all get down on ourselves. But we have to learn to just let loose and remind ourselves that it's all going to be okay.